Roxanne "Roxie” RichterSeries:
Relationship TherapistCanon: This is the tale of an irresponsible twentysomething named Scott Pilgrim, who is forced to clean up his act and start acting his age in order to win the heart of Ramona Flowers, the girl of his dreams. He faces obstacles like getting a job, accepting the consequences of his own actions, and oh, right, defeating seven superpowered Evil Exes who have formed an honest-to-goodness League dedicated to making sure nobody dates said girl, under penalty of death. Yeah. That complicates matters a bit.
Amazingly, "I dated a girl in college and she dumped me so she can never love anyone ever again OR I’LL KILL THEM” is just a taste of the chip on her shoulder that Roxie Richter, the 4th Evil Ex, possesses. A half-ninja with all the speed, stealth, and skills with a sword the title implies, Roxie is a tightly-wound ball of issues who is prone to getting angry and defensive about topics including but not limited to her abilities, being called an "evil ex-boyfriend,” and, of course, the nature of her failed relationship with Ramona. Despite all evidence to the contrary, Roxie really does think that she’s the one who's doing the right thing (and has the conspiracy theories to prove it), but really she’s just a girl with a katana, a poorly-disguised inferiority complex, and a whole lot of anger issues to work through.
Also, she really, really sucks at coming up with insults and/or competent threats. This doesn’t stop her from trying (or trying to act like they never happened after they inevitably fail to land).Sample Post:
"Hello, campers! My name’s Roxanne and from now on, I’m your go-to guy for any and all problems with that special someone or something
you’re head-over-heels in love with. When it comes to what to do or what not
to do in relationships, I’m pretty much an expert, so feel free to ask me about..."
Are you kidding
me? "Anything you might ‘be-curious’
about?” Wow, that’s just hilarious.
First of all, I’m not a guy,
thanks. And second, if this prepared statement is just going to turn into bad sexuality puns designed to piss me off then I’m not reading any more of it! You think I don’t see that you put the word "experimenting” down here in slightly bigger font? I see the bigger font!
And don’t think I didn’t notice that I’m not even delivering this to actual campers, either! Nice try, Director, but when half of the class eats
the introduction forms I had to pass out I sort of got the hint that this is just one big joke at my expense. Believe me, if I didn’t have college loans and property damage bills to pay off I wouldn’t even be
here right now.
... okay, fine.
I’ll listen to all of your stupid problems and then I’ll say "wow, that’s awful, but consider this a new beginning” or something equally lame if you're that desperate, but let me just save you all some time; don’t bother, it won’t work out. You’ll give your heart to them and they’ll kinda
love you back, but then they’ll start acting distant and talking to a bunch of guys who clearly only want to sleep with them, and soon you’ve put half of the campus football team in the hospital and suddenly she -- they
act like you’re
out of line! So they dump you for loving them too much,
and just to add insult to injury they give you back the mixtape you spent eight hours
making for them! So give it up. Nobody loves you, nobody believes in you, it’s just you, your mixtape, and a carton of French Vanilla. Forever.
Oh, did I hit a nerve? Obviously I'm
the bad guy for telling you the truth, right? Well, bring it on! This katana isn't just for show, y’know, and if you creeps can't keep your hands to yourselves then I'm gonna take
your hands for my
... oh, stop groaning, dammit, forget I even said
that, okay? And don't even think about begging me to stop, either, because I don't
have to put on the red light.((Voting went here. 93.7%, what the hell.))